I was watching a TV film last night, and for the millionth time, this happened. A detective in an American film turned off a TV, and used the remote. It made a loud ‘click’. Remotes don’t click. They are soft-touch. They squidge, they do not click. Ever. I acknowledge that I am a bit of a grump. It gets much worse as you get older. Because you have seen and experienced so much, you can become hyper-critical, if you allow yourself to be so. And I do.
Why does everyone always have a torch? Do you have a torch on your person at all times? I don’t, and I am certain you don’t either. So, you are trapped in a dark place, danger surrounds, the unknown awaits. You have a torch though, so you can see the terror as it appears. Rubbish, isn’t it? Or you might have some matches, or a lighter, even if you don’t smoke. They will be matches that last ten times longer than any match ever manufactured, and a lighter that never needs a refill, or gets too hot to hold. You will be able to light your way, and overcome the dark, against all known odds. Codswallop.
That takes me to whodunnits and mystery dramas on TV and TV films. They always have a ‘guest star’. Other than the crowd of ‘I sort-of-know-them’ actors, there is always someone really famous. They are the killer! You only have to look at the opening credits, and the ‘mystery’ is solved. The ‘guest artist’ did it! I could always tell you who did it, because the ‘suspect’ is telegraphed from the outset. Why oh why do they always do this? They just think that we are all stupid, and that we will never make the connection.
Then there are the (usually) heroines, who always open that door, or enter that cellar. They know that the maniac or serial killer is going to be down there, probably hiding behind that same door. Do they run screaming into the street, calling for help from the Police? No. They enter the room/cellar/bathroom/outhouse, knowing full well that they are about to come face to face with the knife-wielding crazy. Why, oh why? And mirrors. How many times are we gong to see the victim having to look into a mirror, only to see the killer reflected behind them? If you were in danger of being chopped up by a lunatic, would you stop off to dip your face in water, or have a quick wash? Of course you wouldn’t!
Then there are the voyeur rapists and killers. The heroine (it has to be an attractive female) goes home, knowing that she is being stalked by a serial rapist/killer. She leaves the curtains open, strips off her clothes, and enters the shower naked. If she lives through this, she emerges, still nude, and combs her hair, or changes into seductive nightwear. Come on! You would close everything, double-lock all doors and windows, and go to bed clothed, and dirty. To hell with being watched as you shower.
Answering the door. The same victims habitually answer the door, whatever the circumstances. Despite being aware of impending doom, as soon as there is a ‘ding-dong’ or ‘rat-a-tat’, they open the door without hesitation. When they see that it is the expected deranged maniac, they try to close the door again. But they are never strong enough. The killer gets his foot in the door, and the hapless female runs screaming through the house, her fate sealed.
Is it any surprise that I am getting cynical? I am fed up of watching these predictable scenarios, full of constant irritations. Perhaps I should just stop watching everything. I am getting too old. I have finally seen it all.