Missing Mum

I don’t really know how to explain it, but I have been missing my Mum a fair bit lately. For those of you who don’t know, my Mum died in March 2012, after a difficult time. It was a few days before my birthday, just before I retired, and a week before I moved to Norfolk. It was all a bit quick, and everything happened during a very short period.

I have her ashes in an urn in a room here. Last year, I bought a marble bird-bath. It contains a purpose-built inner sleeve, designed to hold her ashes, and I intended to place it in our garden, as a memorial to her. I don’t know why, but I just haven’t been able to get around to doing that yet. I must really organise myself to get this done soon, as it has gone on too long.

Until she became confused and difficult, following multiple strokes, I had a very good relationship with my Mum. We could talk about anything and everything; and she was always forthright in her comments, despite our closeness. The funny thing is, I don’t even have anything I need to talk about. There are no issues in my life, nothing I need her advice on, and no concerns that I want to discuss. Part of me just wishes that she was still around.

Of course, if she was here, my life would be completely different. She would have care problems, and she might well be cantankerous, and hard to get on with. At the end, she wanted to die, and we also wanted what was best for her quality of life. I thought that I had dealt with it all. At the age of 62, I was sure that I could go on, and be happy that she had no more need to suffer.

But just for the last few days, I have missed her. And I have no idea why.

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13 thoughts on “Missing Mum

  1. Pete,

    I know what you are feeling all too well, I think. I lost my Dad 27 years ago and to this day I miss him. I miss being able to pick-up the phone and hear his voice. I miss his caring and intelligence. I miss his stories from when he was working. I just miss him. The thing is that I don’t remember him from his last years. I ‘see’ him from ten years previously when he was vibrant. The last years were, well a very small part of what made him and his life.

    Now, the truth is the ache will go away, but the hole that is left in life never gets filled in.

    Phil

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  2. There are times when we really long for those days when they were around. My dad has passed on for almost seven years now but I still miss him. I miss the times when he would regale us with stories on what life was like when they were young.

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    1. I sometimes think that those times of missing loved ones coincide with other problems or issues in our lives Arlene. That is why it seems out of place right now, as I don’t have anything else going on.
      Best wishes, Pete.

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  3. It happens, Pete. The power of love is infinite. Even if, as in my case, your mother and father were not the greatest exponents of parenting, it happens. Strangely, I’ve been missing my father in the last few days for no direct reason that I can think of. He died in ’97. Last night I started crying. Take great care and take solace in the good times you had with your mum. xx

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  4. My dad died almost 20 years ago but his spirit is still strong with me and my family. My mom is 92 and in relatively good health except she’s slowing down and, in my opinion, preparing herself to let go. Our relationship has been rocky for most of my life. In the past 4 years we’ve learned to be kinder and gentler to each other, for which I’m truly grateful. This summer has been difficult with her changing needs but also has been enjoyable, spending more time with her and being Real. I think our parents just change shape but never really go away

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    1. I am pleased to hear that you and your Mum are able to have some quality time, despite her great age. It will provide you with memories to outlast the ‘rocky’ times before.
      Best wishes from England, Pete.

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  5. Everyone’s relationship with their parents falls on a scale ranging from very poor to wonderful, and the pointer can rise and fall over the years. You obviously had a solid relationship with your mother, and that’s truly priceless. It’s altogether natural that you should miss her, now and in the future. My parents are still alive. Today, though, my deceased aunt came up in conversation, and I teared up. We were very close, though I had to grow into an adult and take visiting initiatives in order to get to know her and develop the relationship. In 20 years, I have no doubt that my eyes will still tear up at the mere mention of her name, which evokes many past memories, including a long and joyous phone conversation we had two or three days before she suddenly died from a brain hemorrhage. .

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  6. It would have been my mother’s birthday on Saturday, but she died in 1995 after several years of poor health, though her mind was still sharp. She was only 76. We had our ups and downs, but as we both grew older we became much more tolerant of each other I think. I did miss her terribly at first as my daughter had left home at the time and my dad became unable to care for himself, suffering from dementia and really losing the will to live after her death. I struggled with my emotions for a few years then, feeling guilty that I had let my mum down. Even though I no longer needed a mother, I missed her friendship and our reminiscences of the past and her role as a grandparent. Now, and I am shocked to realise it is 19 years later, I don’t think of her often which I suppose is the way. But your grief is still quite young, it is natural to have periods like this. You don’t have to have a reason to miss her. Sometimes you just do.
    Jude xx

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